Dear Past Me

In school on Friday we discussed the way we are going to bring up our children, if we are lucky enough to have them. My teacher raised the question, asking whether we would raise our kids the same way our parents raised us. She proposed that most of us would probably say yes, but would there be things that we would change?

When I came home on Friday, I considered this question fully. In truth, will I raise my children differently? Yes. For me, this is almost no question at all. I knew that sitting in my classroom, I know it on the way home, and I still know it now.

But thinking about my future, and the lessons I would impart on any future children I might chose to have, made me think about all the things I wish I would've told myself at the beginning of high school, considering where I am now.

So instead of writing a note to my future children, I wrote a note to my past self, and I would like to share it on here, in the hope that it might give some advice.

"Laugh more. Cry more. Take in the beauty of this world. Don’t be afraid to think. Don’t be afraid to speak and don’t be afraid to feel. 

There are going to be times when you are lost, times when you’re angry, afraid and broken. You are going to be confused, you are going to ask why… ALOT. And sometimes, you aren’t going to get the answers that you require. And then you're gonna be frustrated. There will be days when you wish you weren’t born. But from those days it’ll be as if you were born anew, as you will rise up from the ashes, greater and stronger than you were before.

It is going to be really hard but it also going to be so worth it. So say thank you more. You are going to face challenges and sometimes you will fail but you will also succeed. You are going to want to give up, but you will keep going because you are made of stronger stuff.

You are going to say things you don’t mean, and sometimes you will upset people, but you will apologize because no one is ever too big or too great to say sorry when they are wrong.

You are going to stand up for what you believe in because there is nothing on this earth that is more important to you than fighting for the ones that you love.

Grab opportunities with both hands, and see every day as a different experience. Don’t take all that you have for granted, because G-d can give as quickly as He can take away. 

Learn more. Study hard. Take life seriously, but not too seriously. 

Be patient, be kind and most importantly be accepting. Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

Some days, your biggest achievement will be getting out of bed in the morning, but some days you achievements will be as big as touching the sky.

Don’t forget to spend a few moments every day saying thank you for everything you do have.

You are going to learn that the greatest tool you have, is your mind. With your mind you can achieve anything. You will see that it doesn’t matter what you have or what you don’t have, it is about creating opportunities with your mind.

But most importantly, be brave, be strong and be kind." 

-LF, LR and MG xxx

What It Means To Be A Victim

In some ways, I believe that being a victim of something, has been romanticised. We glorify experiences that people have had. We make victims into warriors, not because we mean harm, but because we don't know what else to do. We don't know how else to react to the pain and the suffering that someone has been through, in an experience that is so completely different from our own experiences. So instead we admire them, but we don't understand them.

I would like to share what it means to be a victim, and then give some advice about how to deal with being a victim, with the hope that this post will not only give you some understanding, but it will give you the tools to deal with your friends or family members that may be dealing with the fallout of certain issues that make them a victim.

What does it mean to be a victim? 
Whilst most people think that being a victim means having survived a horrific event, I would like to explain what being a victim really means.

Being a victim means being afraid. It means being afraid of the person or people who inflicted such pain on you. Afraid of yourself and the person you might become. Being a victim means sleepless nights, bouts of depression and anxiety for things that seem unrelated but none the less haunt you for years.

Being a victim means suffering with PTSD, possible eating disorders and mood swings. It means living your life with the knowledge that other people that are in your age group have no idea of what you've been through, and will never be able to understand you. It means being confused about who you are, and doubting yourself. Being a victim means being so lonely that you are forced to turn to someone, but when you do, the empty feeling that you experience when they just don't understand makes you wish you'd just have kept quiet.

Being a victim means that you are strong and brave, but more fragile than you realise. It means spending the rest of your life forcing yourself to move on, and make something of yourself, even though what you really want to do is disappear. It means good days that leave you on a high, but bad days that leave you in the lurch, possibly for days after.

But most of all, being a victim means that on some days, the rain falls so hard and fast it feels as if the bad feelings are never going to go away. You feel disgusted by yourself and constantly put yourself down. However, on the sunny days, you look at all the things you have accomplished even after all you have survived, and you know that your victories outweigh all the bad things that you have suffered, a million times over. Because when you see all your victories, you know that you are nothing like your worst fears, but instead you are the person you have always wanted to become.

A few helpful tips for helping a victim: 
1) Listen!! Listen to your friend/ family member. Let them speak. Don't force what they have to say, but instead just let them say what they need to say. Most likely they will feed you bits of information here and there instead of just telling you everything straight. But if they do tell you something, know that it is because they trust you, and for them, trust is not something that comes easy, so keep reassuring them that you will not disclose this information to anyone.

2) Overreacting/ Minimising. Whilst there is literally nothing worse than you pouring your heart out to someone, and them just reducing it down to something that a child wouldn't be bothered by, at the same time, crying over what you have been told is not helpful either. It makes the victim feel even worse than they already do, and will just make them shut off. You might not realise that you are minimising the pain or experience, but trying to change the subject, laughing, making light of the situation or just trying to avoid talking about it, makes the person feel worse. The victim doesn't want you to find you an answer, nor are they expecting you to take the pain away, they just want to talk, and making them feel like a burden or like they're making a huge deal of nothing is likely to enhance any private and personal feelings they have about themselves.

3) Comparing. If your friend or relative is telling you about the time she nearly killed herself in an overdose, DO NOT compare it to the time you wanted to buy a new pair of shoes so you went to the shop but they didn't have your size, so you were so depressed you nearly killed yourself. It is not helpful, it is not useful, just don't do it!

Hope this was useful insight,
LF, LR and MG
xxx

Sticks and Stones

There is a famous saying, that most of us learn in primary school, which goes:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Although this may be a slightly round about way to come to this conclusion, when studying the poem 'Dulce et Decorum Est' by Wilfred Owen, I admired the way in which he took the saying 'Dulce et decorum est' and subverted it, to play on the words in a way that effectively made the opposite point. So, with that in mind, I would like to do a similar thing, in this post.

When looking at the first part of the phrase "sticks and stones will break my bones," it reminds us of the animalistic start that we as humans have had. We are thrown back to a time, when warfare in the playground meant rough and tumble, petty scrawls that were over in the blink of an eye. This can even be said to be true now, where fights are generally over in the matter of a few punches, it is perhaps the momentum of the fight that is carried forward, less so the physical brawl itself.

However, what I would like to focus on, in this article, is the second part of this saying, that goes "but words will never hurt me." Whilst I appreciate that at the time this was said, we were living in more tame and simple times, I would now like to work to change this saying, to something more generation appropriate.

Essentially, if you believe this saying, then you are, even without realising it, advocating the idea that words are harmless. This is an approach, that I now deem here to be incorrect. In a society particularly like today's I can see all around me the power that words have. It astonishes me the power that a combination of twenty-six letters can have on anyone. By minimising the effects that words can have, it does something more potent- it minimises the effects that people feel. It makes people feel as if they don't have a right to feel hurt or crushed by the poisonous words of someone else.

Whilst I can see that words will never have the effect of physically bruising someone. You will never walk away from a conversation with stab wounds next to your heart. I can however assure you, that anyone reading this who has been the victim of someone else's nasty words, will know that they would rather a punch in the face any day.

I think that most of the time, we are so oblivious to the effect our words are having, and whilst most of us strive to only use our words for the good, through the form of compliments, or biting our tongues when it is not appropriate to speak (see a previous post). Most people are more relaxed when it comes to thinking through the consequences of saying something that could bruising someone inside.

As a generation in a society where we are used to seeing the immediate effects of something, we often neglect to realise that whilst the results of words may not be seen in the here and now, that does not mean that your words aren't having an effect.

That is why, I would like to propose an amended phrase that would be a more helpful reminder to everyone:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, just as words will also hurt me"

Using this quote, I hope to remind people that just as we will always see the results of a fist fight, wherever we may be, we will not always see the results of vicious words, but that doesn't mean that they won't be just as deadly.

-LF, LR and MG

How to be a Whistle Blower

I would say that most people like to believe that they have morals and principles that they stick to, and would stand up for no matter what. However, when it actually comes down to it, how often do we actually speak out and speak now when we see something that we want to change, or that doesn't sit right with us?

We live in a world where people have become so concerned about what others think of them, that they forget about what is right and what is wrong because as long as we all fit in, then it won't cause us any discomfort. 

Truth be told, how many times have you witnessed something and wished you would have reported it, but didn't. Then later that day or week, you stew over what you heard or saw and want to kick yourself for not doing anything about it?! This happens to the most of us, so this is a post on how to be a whistle blower. 

What is a whistle blower?

A whistle blower is someone who informs on someone or something that is engaging in unlawful or immoral activity. 

It sounds like a tell-tale, the annoying sibling that always rats you out for taking the last biscuit... But actually, if we untangle ourselves from the mess of stigmatisms and stereo-types surrounded by the idea of a whistle blower, what you actually see is someone standing up for what they believe in. 

Sometimes you need to remember your humanity, your morals and your principles and disregard what others might think or say, because you never know who you could be helping by doing so.

Its hard, there is no denying that. Often the people involved, know that they are doing wrong but can't seem to admit it to themselves, so carry on regardless and criticise or try to bully you into shrinking back. But don't shrink back, you are doing the right thing by reporting or putting a stop to this behaviour or activity. 

You should not be ashamed, you should not back down, you are doing the right thing. You have to keep telling yourself that, and remind yourself that no matter how tough it gets to support your actions, that you are being a whistle blower, and it takes courage to do so. 

'It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are' admittedly, this probably wasn't written to demonstrate this point, but it is still relevant. It takes courage to actualise your morals and be a whistle blower. 

Keep being amazing, and speak out and speak now, because you never know the positive effects you are having by blowing the whistle. 

-LF, LR and MG

The 'A' Word.

The thing about abuse, is that you can go your whole childhood believing that one thing is normal; and then, one day when you least expect it, its like BAM! If you are being abused, the amount of energy it takes to keep it a secret is unbelievably exhausting and has many effects on your mental health and your physical health. But it's more than that, its the awful feeling when you first have to come to terms with the fact that the things in your life that you once considered 'normal' are really, really not. And you know something: thats ok. No one is going to judge you based on what other people have done to you, or to a close member of your family, or a friend. Its ok, and it is going to be ok.

Something we have noticed about the word 'abuse' is that it is very taboo. No one wants to even utter the word, unless it's a joke, because otherwise it would be real. No one likes to admit these kind of things about their family, or their friends. People have decided that 'abuse' is a word that leaves a bad taste in their mouth, and try whatever they can to avoid saying it. To avoid being the whistle blower, and calling people out when they know it's wrong.

We think the first question we need to answer, is what is abuse?

Abuse can be divided up into a few categories, all as serious, damaging and painful as each other:
1) Physical Abuse: That involves anything to do with a person/people hitting, kicking, punching, pinching, pushing or using their body to physically hurt another person.
2) Emotional Abuse: This is something that often people overlook, but is still just as important and can be extremely damaging. It involves name calling, hateful speech directed at anyone, excess shouting, screaming, manipulative language, threatening language or being spoken to in a degrading and insulting way.
3) Sexual Abuse: When someone who does not have your explicit consent, touches you or does something to you in an inappropriate way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
4) Neglect: When the people involved are being deprived of basic needs, such as food, money, clothes, medical attention, personal hygiene requirements and education.
5) Financial Abuse: When you are given restricted or no access to your accounts, or your partner is gambling away or loosing your money without your consent.

As much as it is important to know these 'symptoms' of abuse, so that you can be aware what to look for, it is also important to know something else:

It is not and it never will be, your fault. Whatever is going on, is not a reflection of who you are, it is just the situation that you have been given. Please, please, we seriously urge you, that if something written in this blog speaks to you, then speak up and speak now.

It's going to be scary, lonely and hard at times, but chances are, those are all feelings that you are very used to. But then, it'll be different, it'll be better and you'll be happy and safe. And that is the most important thing. We cannot advise you strongly enough to speak to a trusted adult, who could be a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a member of your family, but anyone- before it is too late.

You are worthy of a good life, you are worthy of happiness and health. So please, remember to speak up and speak now, because you really are important, you are kind, you are a valid human being that doesn't deserve to live like this.

-LF, LR and MG