Leaving the Past in the Past

When I lie awake at night, letting my thoughts stir round and round in my head, I know that the only way I can fall asleep is if I write whatever it is down. I sit up, open my laptop and stare at a blank word document, until my fingers tap on my keyboard and within minutes, words appear on the page that spell out exactly what is bothering me.

Every now and again I like to read over what I write in those moments, because I think in some ways what I write then is the most honest, and the purest way that I can gather my thoughts together. For me it is in the silence of the night that the rest of the world is quiet enough for my thoughts to be heard.

Recently when I read over things I had written in my midnight madness, I saw a repetitive theme of the past and so I thought that I would write about it on here, and share some of the advice that I gave myself at some point between one am and four am in the last few weeks.

"Accepting the past is about acknowledging that all the things you have done and all the things you have been through, for the good and bad, are very much a part of who you are. Acceptance is the first part of moving forward and I think that when you have grasped that, you leave yourself with the foundation to build on.

You can take all the things you have learnt and develop yourself into the person that you want to be. It is about recognising that whilst your past will always be a part of who you are, it is not the only thing that you are.

I think the best decision I ever made was to move forward. I think through moving forward I have been able to strengthen the person I am into someone that I know will be able to take the weight of the future.

Thinking about the future is scary, it makes you wonder if you will ever be able to escape, it makes you doubt yourself and your capabilities and whether you will ever be able to truly leave behind your past. but I think that the best way to escape your past is to run into it with open arms.

It is about embracing your mistake, the places where you tripped and fell so that the next time you will know what to do. If you embrace your past then you can use it all to build a future and with your future at the tip of your fingers, you will be able to accomplish anything.

You can't move forward without letting go, and whilst I know letting go is going to be so hard, once you are free to reach out and grab whatever opportunity you are faced with, the past won't seem so troubled anymore.

Instead you will look back and wonder how you made it through the hark times, with nothing to guide you. But you will also know that it was all those things that are very much a part of who you are now. You will know that the reason you carry round a flashlight at all times is so that when you get lost again, you will be able to find you way. You know that when you go swimming, you make sure you jump in with both feet, but wearing a life jacket, so that you can feel the water against your skin without tempting fate and struggling not to drown.

But the best thing about the past is that it gives you lessons for the future, and I think when your past is as clouded as mind, it is the lessons that we extract that will stick with us and shape us for life. It isn't about seeing everything for the bad, it is about taking the bad and turning it into the good."

So I think what midnight me is trying to tell you, is that you need to let go of the past in order to build a future. But letting go of the past doesn't mean forgetting where you came from, or how far you have fought to get here. Letting go means taking with you all the things you have learnt, but leaving behind all the negative associations and memories that you have as well.

I hope this was helpful insight,
LF, LR and MG
xxx

Summer in the City 2015

I was so fortunate again this year, after 2 years of this tradition, to attend 'Summer in the City' - the biggest Youtube convention in London. This time, I went with my best friend Libby (libbyjade26.blogspot.com - her blog is brilliant, you should check it out) and that was it. Just the two of us against the world. She had some internet friends that she knew beforehand, but I didn't know them yet.

The main thing that I have learnt this weekend is that the Youtube community is wonderful. There were people of so many ages with so many differences but one similar interest, and yet it was so easy to become friends with anyone. My favourite thing to do was to look around at everyone around me and just think about how diverse everyone was - tall, short, female, male, transgender, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, musically talented, magicians, gamers, and so many different hair colours! Every single person that I spoke to was so lovely and I'm glad that I have made some new lifelong (hopefully) friends.

Another thing that I realised is how much I love 'smaller' youtubers. By this, I mean like those with less subscribers than I feel like they should have. I would like to mention some of my favourites here, in the hope that you can agree with me or find some new people to subscribe to!

1) Carrie Hope Fletcher, itswaypastmybedtime

Granted that she's not a 'small youtuber', she is also an actress (performing as Eponine in Les Mis) and an author ('All I Know Now' and 'On The Other Side'). When I met her, she was waiting for somebody to pick up her call and, once she saw that we wanted to chat to her, instantly put her phone away and spoke to us for a long time. She gave me great advice, had a laugh with me and made me feel like we were on the same wavelength. I love her so much, she is like my honorary big sister and I feel like, whilst she has recognition for her performances and videos, she needs more recognition for her genuine kind heart, warm nature and friendliness. I am so thankful for her!

2) Dodie Clark, doddleoddle

Let me tell you, Dodie Clark is the most amazing performer. Known for strumming on her lovely ukulele, she has a bubbly personality, bursting with sweetness and excitement. Her videos consistently make me grin and she gives great hugs. Over the weekend, she stood and met so many people whilst also performing, participating in insightful panels (which I was lucky enough to go and watch) and also sold lots of merchandise, which was sadly sold out when I went to pick up the tote bag! At the end of the Sunday, she stood by this fairground ride and did not move until she met every single person who hadn't met her and had a quick chat and a photo with everyone. I respect her so much and my heart weeps when I hear her music (and my eyes, WOW I was bawling during her live performance of 'One for the Road'!)

3) Jenny, thatjennybee

I have only recently discovered this little gem of a channel, containing short, quirky videos about Jenny's life and stuff. I went over for a chat on the Sunday of SitC and we stood for ages whilst she gave me brilliant life advice, we had a laugh together and really cute pictures! Such a genuinely lovely sunshine of a person - I think that's the best way that I can describe her. 

4) Chloe, scarfdemon

Chloe does really amazing things for a charity called 'Save the Children', which is a brilliant charity that does wonderful things. Her short but sweet vlogs are entertaining, educational, enjoyable and heart-warming. Her recent series in which she read diary entries from her younger self was so insightful and whilst it made me chuckle at times, it made me feel better for thinking and acting the way that I did when I was 16. Chloe made a video about Polycystic Ovaries, which is something that I deal with and made me feel like I wasn't alone. When I told Chloe about this blog, she seemed to love the sound of it and even wrote down the address to look at later. That made me squeal!

5) Daniel J Layton, actor

All round hilarious man, Daniel J Layton actor (full name, obviously) is an aspiring west end actor who shares the realities of the industry and also created comedic anecdotes in vlog form. He had a chat with every single person that he met and wasn't weirded out by Libby and I stroking his cardigan. He is so kind, gentle and very funny. His 'Baking with Layton' series makes me laugh until I cry and motivates me to start creating youtube videos purely so that I can feature as a guest in the series.

6) Lucy and Lydia, beauty gurus

These twins are the most beautiful girls that I have ever seen in the flesh. Their make up is always flawless and fashion senses are so good! That's not the most important thing that I wanted to tell you all though. I wanted to explain that they spoke to every single person and had a proper conversation filled with laughter and hugs. Their meet up that I went to was accidental, though they were kept out of that green room for a long time due to not only the amount of people who wanted to meet them, but the engagement that they had with every single viewer. I completely respect these two gorgeous youtubers and bloggers.

I could probably talk about so many more people that I met but I wouldn't want to keep you reading forever! I loved meeting every single person that I spoke to, regardless of how many subscribers they had. Everyone was so kind-hearted and I made so many new friends out of this weekend. If you ever feel like you are sitting on the fence trying to decide whether or not to go to a youtube convention, you should definitely do it! If you go with the mindset of wanting to meet everyone, then you may be met with a huge feeling of disappointment. But going to the panels, watching the mainstage and even meeting other people with the same interests as you are all amazing aspects of the weekend that cannot be missed. 

-LF, LR and MG
xxx

Five Letters, Make It or Break It.

Trust. Somewhat of an abstract concept, as it seems to be a prerequisite to so many things. Any relationship without trust would seem to mock the foundation of which most relationships are built on. But what happens if you don't know who to trust? Or if you're not in a place in your life where trust comes easy to you.

Whilst being over-trusting comes hand in hand with naivety, people who don't trust at all are viewed as jaded and guarded. So really, is there a way for us all to win?

I personally find myself constantly battling between the two; I confide way too easily when I feel comfortable with some people, but with other people, I remain constantly wary and distant.

In some cases, trust can be so easy to build, but destroyed even quicker and in other cases the opposite applies.

I think it is important to be able to trust, we should be able to open our eyes and our minds to people and see the good where possible. Having trust is about having faith in other people that they are who they say they are. Having trust is about believing in the good and trying to remain at peace with the world.

Sometimes it doesn't work out, people can screw you over and leave you wounded. I don't deny that possibility because it has certainly happened to me and no doubt to all of you as well. The feeling of betrayal sucks, I am the first to admit it, but I think that building trust over time can solve that.

It is true that on the occasion you should jump into a relationship with two feet, but sometimes you just need to dip your toe in the water first, before jumping in full swing.

I think learning that trust can be a double edged sword can be both the smartest thing you realise and the worst thing to know at all. 

Trust is confusing, it can make or break you. I think by writing this post I hoped to come to some conclusion as to how to deal with trust, but the truth is, I think every relationship is different. I think that some people are trust worthy and others aren't, so we shouldn't tar someone with the same brush. 

I guess I wanted to end this with some sort of clarity, but instead I am going to end my post with and open ended thought. 

Five Letters, Make it or Break it; You Choose. 

-LF, LR and MG xx

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Inevitably at some point in life, we are thrown curveballs. The unexpected turn of events that happen before you have enough time to process it. Events that change the people that we think we are, the way we think about things but most importantly how we react to difficult events, sometimes into complete strangers.

As we get older, we begin to realise that the things we thought were important, that drama between you and your so called 'best friend'; that weird conversation with that 'maybe' boy, or the time you wore your hair a certain way for months only to discover that it was actually not cool at all. All of those things, whilst I have no doubt were important at the time, suddenly pale in comparison to the real 'drama' in your life. They are trivial when put up against the big decisions, the times when you really didn't know what was going to happen.

We like to believe that in those trivial moments, it really is between life or death, but I think if we all contemplate on our lives enough, we will at least find one time that trumps all other issues or problems. A time when we were scared and it was genuine. A time when we doubted ourselves, our friends and families whilst trying to grapple with the issue.

It is when those curveballs hit us, that we reach out and try to grab all the things that are most important to us, so that all the other insignificant things can slip away. It is when we look around and see who is here. Most importantly however, it is when we look at ourselves and begin to piece together the people that we really are.

That, I believe, is what 'learning to dance in the rain' is about. It is about grabbing onto the things that we have in the moments that we have nothing else, and making it work.

It is about looking around and knowing that whilst things may not even be close to ideal, that you are still alive, alert and awake, and that you have the ability to fix this. You have the ability to make something out of nothing and to truly find yourself when everything else seems lost.

It is in the darker times when the light you find shines the brightest. It is when you have almost lost all hope, when you see hope the most.

When you have the strength to look around you and make light out of the darkness, turn your sorrow into something worth living for, you know you are dancing in the rain.

When you stop walking around with your fists clenched up, preparing to fight with life for the mess it has thrown in your way, and instead walk around with your palms open, ready to receive whatever next should come your way, and build on what you have now, that you will dance in the rain, and no doubt whatever comes out from this rainy period, will be more beautiful and brilliant than anything you would have achieved before.

Sometimes in order to get to the place you want to be in, you have to take a more scenic route, rather than the one that seems to be carved out. But along that route, I can assure you, you will pick up more knowledge and strength, and it will be worth it in the end.

So learn to dance in the rain, let your rain boots fill up with water, as you learn more about yourself in those moments than you do at any other time. Take what life gives you and turn it into what you want it to be because life always has a funny way of working out in the end.

-LF, LR, and MG

xxx

Throwaway Terms

"Oh my god I'm literally having a panic attack"
"I'm feeling so depressed right now"
"Don't mind me, just having a stroke"
"That's so gay"

All of these are sentences that I hear pretty much on a day-to-day basis. And I was probably guilty of even using some of these back in the early days of secondary school. They are what I like to think of as "throwaway terms" - using words that have heavy meanings in a lighter way to get a point across, such as "I'm quite nervous" or "I'm a bit sad about this". These hyperbolic ways of expressing emotions may gain a bit of sympathy or maybe a few laughs.

However, the main point that I would like to get across to you here is that words are powerful. 

To you, these may be silly little sentences that you use in order to exaggerate an emotion. To others, this may be there life. 
Depression is a real thing, as spoken in posts here (depression from the external perspective) and here (suicide).
A panic attack is the defence mechanism that your body uses when in fight-or-flight mode, which tells the body that it is legitimately about to die. People suffering from anxiety or panic disorders may experience these on a daily basis.
A stroke is defined as "a sudden disabling attack or loss of consciousness caused by an interruption in the flow of blood to the brain, especially through thrombosis".
Gay is not an insult. It is merely a sexual preference of the same gender as oneself.

It is important that in situations in which you wish to express an emotion, that you do so in a sensible, accurate, non-hyperbolic manner. Obviously this isn't possible all the time, as a drama student I can tell you that I am very prone to exaggeration! But if you are even slightly tempted to use a word that has a heavy meaning in a lighter context, maybe think again.

Thank you for reading, and good luck to everyone getting results!
-LF, LR and MG
xxx